A pefect partner exists – an assumption often made?

May 25, 2007

Sex before Marriage – Right or Wrong? « How bout a lil chillaxin?

I’m thinking about this in an Australian context because that’s where I live. The linked post asks a question that I think used to be far more important in Australian society some years back, however I haven’t really heard many people talk about it of late, although I acknowledge that there are sections of society that preach that sex before marriage is bad. It should probably be noted that the times that I’ve ever heard this topic being brought up, were with regards to religion, but obviously the topic can be discussed separate to religion also. Yet, I’m more interested in the assumption made in this argument/exploration/questioning/question, that a “perfect mate” exists somewhere out there.

The two comments left so far on the original blog-post are quite valid. The first comment seems to be from a point of view that sex before marriage is bad. If you’re comparing this question about sex to that of the theory of communism, it’s like you’re saying it would be great if we could hold on until marriage, but it’s not going to happen because society makes it difficult. It’s an amusing analogy but if you truly believe it’s not ”applicable” I don’t see why you would also say in theory it would be the best gift to your spouse, when you seem to also suggest in your comment, that you don’t think sex before marriage is a big deal. Perhaps being a virgin is a great gift to your future spouse, but then, the spouse will only truly care if they actually agree that sex before marriage is bad but inevitable. The second comment that people should all have a knowledge of the dangers etc is extremely true and I think schools in Australia, and definitely the one I went to, make sure that people are educated about the potential consequences of sex.

The original post reads: But I also believe that giving you[r] pure body to your new spouse is the greatest gift you could possibly give them. It says that “I knew I would find the perfect mate some day and I saved myself for you”. That is so much better than, “I got tired of waiting so I gave it away to three other guys before I met you”. “ Now, I was discussing this with a friend and a couple of thoughts came to me. Let’s assume for a second that sex is more than a bodily function. So, the quote above is only true if you believe that there is a “perfect mate”and that you can only love one person in your life. I don’t think I believe that, but it’d be interesting to hear people’s thoughts on that.

Secondly, there is the problem of marriage, children and divorce. To state the obvious, part of a healthy intimate relationship, is sex. A lot of people increasingly move in with each other and live life together for a long time before marrying and having children. This way, they can see whether they are truly compatible with each other; and they get a glimpse of whether the relationship will last. Wouldn’t that be better than rushing into a marriage, having children, only to then realise you’re not really happy with your partner? Of course, it should be noted that people do get married and both people haven’t had premarital sex, and they live on for decades being happy with each other, but at the same time, the opposite has often been true and then the kids are in the middle struggling. Marriage usually means a lot of commitment (although it seems marriages are getting shorter and shorter) and perhaps people should try and be more certain, especially before having kids.

I also think that previous relationships become irrelevant. You might say, “I got tired of waiting so I gave it away to three other guys before I met you,” but what if you truly had feelings for those people – what if you thought you loved them? I think far more people would be against a blog-post with the heading “random sex before marriage – right or wrong?” I really think things like “perfect mate” are far too ideal especially since you’re implying that one would actually know if and when they found such a person.

“God’s will sometimes doesn’t have the power to stop raging hormones or a deep love for someone.” – Raging hormones aside, I’m wondering how different your definition of “deep love” is to your definition of “perfect mate.” 

“So..  is it right or is it wrong?” – I don’t personally see it as an issue. It shouldn’t make a difference. I guess it would, if your religious views tell you otherwise. I think in some ways when you decide to settle down with someone for whatever reasons, your previous relationships, and the sex, become irrelevant. Unless the person you’re with is a virgin, they wouldn’t really be jealous of your previous experiences unless you keep referring to those times in your past. However, “right or wrong” really depends on the value one places on sex and virginity. Yes, I think right and wrong are relative, because I do not believe in an absolute truth that is present in a text. Would you be like “oh my god, wow, you saved yourself for me?” if the person you were with said that they’d abstained from sex until they found you? I personally wouldn’t care, but I’m sure there are people out there who would say that one shouldn’t have sex unless they are perfectly sure that they have found “the one” and obviously, for those people sex before marriage would be bad, and the “gift” you speak of, would be great.

Strange topic to talk about. Even stranger because I don’t think it’s a big deal and my opinion, it seems, is quite vague and, “do what you want!” I just don’t think people should really care about another’s past relationships when they get into a relationship with that person. If sex is just a bodily function, then no one should care; if it’s an expression of affection, or love, then only if someone has sex with another person while in a relationship, should someone care; if sex means that you have chosen that one mate for ever, well then, it’s time to put on the chastity belt.

It’d be great to hear some thoughts on this.